I don't use this page.

The world is not small, it’s large. Very, very large.

And life is long.

The only untouched shop left in Clapham Junction is Waterstones.

Makes sense.

Wait! The easily led Automaton-moron parade is coming to Cheshire Oaks tonight?

I can’t believe i’m going to miss it! 

I wonder how long it will be before Obama sends over the troops to liberate us, from ourselves.

I hope it’s soon, for our sake.

You don’t fight fire with fire.

That will only make it worse.
You fight fire with water. Or aqueous film forming foam depending on the nature of the flame.

They’ll feel an idiot when they realise they can’t get their McBreakfast burger in the morning ‘cause the fuckin’ maccy d’s has been burned to a crisp.

And when their neighbours place of work doesn’t exist anymore. Good work. You’re really teaching them a lesson. You morons.

“We will deriver as soon as quickry”

—   The Chinese Restaurant

I just went from six to midnight

looking at set photos from The Dark Knight Rises.

Work Experience

I’ve been obsessed with films for as long as I can remember. When I was about 12 I watched Batman Returns every night for three months. One night my mum & dad let me stay up late, so I watched Batman Returns. It was about three in the morning when it finished and I was knackered so I just lay on the sofa whilst the video ran through to the end. After it finished, the video player turned off and the TV came on. This film was just starting and I remember it had low production values, the camera was quite shaky and moving about and people were looking straight at it so I realised it was a documentary and it was about this, Muscley, blonde, Swedish electrician that had to fix a boiler at some womans house. I don’t think he had any tools though. Any way, about four minutes in he started shagging this woman, on camera. Obviously at this point I realised, you know, that I was watching the greatest documentary ever made. And this guy had the best job ever.

It obviously stuck with me because a few years later I did careers workshops and work experience at school, and when teach asked me what I wanted to do when I grow up, I said “Electrician Please!” So I got put on this electrician apprenticeship scheme where I shadowed a guy for six months and he taught me the ropes. We’d go to womens houses and she’d make us tea, then i’d watch the metre & make sure it was draining properly whilst they took their cups of tea in the other room and shagged.

When I was eighteen I went solo. I went to this womans house on my first day. I knocked on the door, when she opened I said, “Hello miss, I’m here to fix the boiler”. She let me in, made me a cup of tea, then I fixed the boiler.

Been fixing boilers for six years now. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.


I love Graffiti. I don’t necessarily agree with drawing on peoples walls but i think it’s hilarious. I saw one that said “i hate queers”. Fair enough, he’s voicing his opinion, everyone’s entitled to it. “No Law” i saw once. Not very specific. What law? All Laws? If you’re going to graffiti at least make it constructive, like this one. I was walking past the university and in huge letters on the wall, someone had sprayed “FUCK OF”, not fuck off, fuck of. This person had obviously been denied a place on the english course at the uni and when he recieved his rejection letter he thought to himself, “Someones gotta teach these bastards a lesson”, and that’s what he came up with, “FUCK OF”. When i was at uni in student halls, somebody had written “Tbag your mom” on the wall of the corridor. There was only one american guy in the whole building so the security guards went round to his flat banged him out.

Best one i ever saw was at the train station and it was absolute genius. I loved this one because they had obviously put loads of effort into it. They had sat down and thought about the countries problems, the political issues facing us as a nation and what the solution was. After hours of brainstorming and probably doing pie charts and stuff, he went to the train station, walked up to the edge of the platform and wrote “Fuck the Gap” over the sign that said “Mind the gap”. That means nothing, it’s there as a health warning. Thats like writing “Fuck your head” at the top of the stairs.